iHateNorthernMenInSantaMonica

I don’t think it is polite to say “hate” in any form or matter, but I must, I must get your attention about how much I did not enjoy my time in Santa Monica last night.

Apparently it was the “Glow” party, and I passed the gallery party off of Hollywood Blvd with some live music and paintings (which was a GREAT opportunity to help out with this new small business) AND missed my Aussie friends spin records at The Bar on Bronson and Sunset, also fun epic time with my friend Steve… All for what? Jersey Shore meets Republicans? I cannot believe my actions, and I’m sure these dudes did not mind me skipping out once I knew the evening was gonna suck, but I stick with my clan. Mom said, “You live and you learn, trial and error. Next time, tell them you have diarrhea and ya gotta get rid of it, and if they have any more  questions, tell em THEY ARE the diarrhea.”

So, i don’t know how to sound not mean, I met this hunk of a lover, we will say Denver, via my best girl whom I’m in love with. This girl is no like any other girl you will meet, okay, she is a mystery, she is hot, she tap dances in the desert and sings in a brass band, I cannot emphasize on the beauty of this creature. Long hair, big butt, little waist, I just want to write about how wonderful she is instead of this dude she introduced me to… But keep in mind, this is quite possibly the best looking man I’ve ever, uh uhm, delt with. Sea blue eyes, tan, tall, handsome, considerate, it just all went to shit when he hangs out with his best friend. We will call him Dale. Now, these two dudes are best of friends. Why Denver is friends with Dale, i will never know. Mates since grade school. (I never trust people who introduce themselves as “grade schooler friends” Much has happened in between.) Dale, my readers, has turned Denver, a 1 month old newbie from up north, into a Santa Monica Lover.

WHAT IS A SANTA MONICA LOVER? Well, anyone who loves Santa Monica loves keeping up with their hair cut, shoes are always worn on the beach, and working out it crucially in front of prayer. Vitamins are more important than opening doors for old people and dating is just a facebook status or a photo tag. A Santa Monica Lover has fashion designed by the newest Banana Republic window and makes fun of American Appearal for going out of business, because the stock market app is right there on their fucking iphone, which they cannot live without. A Santa Monica Lover loves Santa Monica sooooo much, that they can’t wait on the ONLY girl they are with, to pee while they walk around to another Santa Monica bar, only to look around and text some more. The goal for a Santa Monica Lover is to find as many women as they can manipulate to go home with them. They text often and love to engage in lame arguments over bets, so lame, i pushed them out of my memory because I dont want to bore you. They love business, and are trying to start one of their very own right around the corner, probably something a corporation would want to buy out, like leather ipod holders. Comes in yellow for nano, so people know how much smaller your gadget is then theirs. Parents sort of like them, therapy is high on the list, but nothing the beach and a good yoga workout cant deal. Women are only for arm candy, relationships are not important, but beer specials are. Dont forget your hair product that doesnt look like hair product.

Okay, so I’m looking at my title, and I am forgetting one major thing: Both men, hottie and douche bag, are both from up north, ruining Los Angeles’ reputation to having good people living here. i thought I REALLY wanted to move to NY, but judging by these clowns, i never want to set foot up there. I mean, seriously, you couldn’t wait on me to pee? Yes, I like older men, I like all ages all sexes of people (races, I have my flavors, thank you) and I expressed to my dates that older men are better, just because I dont want to teach while I’m kissing, and I don’t like to split the bill these days. I couldn’t keep another conversation without them saying, “Oh, thats because you dont like guys my age” well, idiot, I just dont like you. I hate it when people take something you say, and twist it up into an old dog’s terd. It was funny, I’m talking, but it is only to amuse you while we hike fucking 20 blocks to the pier. And on top of that Santa Monica Lovers like to be early for things, not late and have fun, but actually get there ahead of time to hang out with kids and their parents at the “most epic party on the shore.” My ass has had more fun sitting on a Greyhound bus.

I hated my night. I couldnt smoke enough to escape the constant consumed feeling that one of these dudes was going to try to fuck me. I just got off a weekend bender with a Dutchman in Manhatten Beach, why is this happening? I’m missing Alex at The Bronson Bar! I stick with my guns, keep trucking with these guys, we pick up another loud mouthed inconsiderate, “pussy” talking fellow, at Vice, a fancy hotel in SM with short skirted girls that have nothing to do with anything but their lip gloss application. These dudes suck. All they like to do is get their way.

So, we get a taxi at the Hotel, and make friends with the driver, Anthony. These guys invite Anthony to the Hollywood Hills party, where none of my friends are, and offered not to pay this man on his busiest night at Santa Monica. “Yo, if you want to come to a party, it will be the most amazing time of your life, but turn the meter off” He actually did it. Needless to say, this cab driver was my favorite character of the night. He was a little weird, I would never be alone with him, and  taught him how to eat sushi. He wouldn’t stop following me after that. Pool party with no one in the pool, Shannon Daughtry’s old house, beautiful and perfectly fung shuied. Perfection weirds me out. In a serious way.

So, after the hollywood hills party, we go back to Santa Monica, Anthony is handing out cards, Dale is snickering to me, the loving woman hippy person, “Ha, he thinks we like him, what a loser”, yea, he’s that cool folks, putting down people who gave you a huge favor. I wonder what he is saying about me, “Man, that chick Annie was a bitch, she was so weird, singing all the time, engaging with people. What a loser.” Yea, I am a loser for ever ever driving to Santa Monica for a beach party which was lame, only to drive their douche bag friend home. No one was laid, everyone was miserable because they had their way, and their way sucked assholes from afar. Wheesh, I’m supposed to be a childrens book writer, whatever. The way these men degraded women, I dont want to get into. I seriously put my voice in, 4 men in a car, 3 northern, the other weird (but on my side) telling me how stupid women are, and how flakey they can be. “Ya’ll need to keep this to yourselves.” “Why, YOU don’t think women are flakey and childish, look at you, Miss One Hour Late. ” “Listen, I am Italian, German, and Cherokee, I’m not just a woman, you need to respect me in this hybrid cab and shut the fuck up.” No respect. Thats what i get for not researching my penalties. I did enjoy the pier late at night, even Zodar the fortune teller from Big told me to smile. The Air Hockey was stellar, and it was fun being a dude, but wearing a tight mini dress clearly stated I was simply eye candy and my opinions didnt matter. How could Denver be such an asshole? Getting dudes around their friends really shows their character. That, and I NEVER  EVER go to Santa Monica for fun. Ever. Maybe I was just pissed I was missing my night on the town, because Denver had been on again off again texting me to hang at this party for the past month. Getting his way and I not mine. He was amazing in bed and is a beautiful soul, until you get him to start talking about Jersey Shore “T- Shirt time!” I dont know what that is, but I’m feeling lamer by the second.

Next time, dont seek new faces in Santa monica, because they are all going to be perfectly shaven or on the number scale for the electric razor to make it look like they didnt care about shaving, but you know they did. If you are reading this, and I wrote about you (because you probably are sitting there on your iphone, looking at random shit and not enjoying life) please note that this experience has never happened to me before, nor will i ever allow it to again. So, thank you for showing me a good time, it was good, I did like the night time ocean and families, but how could you compare a life guard stand with a foam machine on top, compared to Burning Man art? I’m not that hard to please just please ask me what i want to do. Getting talked into bad things I thought was just for the birds, back in 8th grade. How did this happen again? Ew. But all in all, I dont think they give two rats asses about me anyways, so who fucking cares what I write these days. I just wanted to vent, my friends are tired of me complaining. Diarrhea. Totally.

Maybe I’m just too dirty for Santa Monica.